"Lord, break my heart for what breaks yours."

My Broken Heart…

So I’ve debated on how to compose this or if I should even compose this over the past several weeks. Some things I want to say but know I can’t to protect others and the conversations I’ve had with people.

My heart is broken right now, its broken for those people whom have never felt love, the abandoned, bruised, scarred, the ones whom have turned to lifestyles that God isn’t pleased with, ones that absolutely breaks His heart. I don’t understand why but over the past several years that I have been a ‘student leader’ in my youth group I have somehow attracted the ‘bad crowd’ the students that talk during worship, the ones that dress ‘different’, the ones that party, etc. I remember very clearly the first interaction I had with these kids, it was a Wednesday night and we had decided to do small groups after the service; everyone was being made to go to small groups and therefore most went. I was ‘stuck’ with about 40 students who didn’t have a care in the world as to what I was saying, I couldn’t get through the lesson without threatening several guys that I was going to embarrass them and make them hold my hand if they couldn’t listen for 2 minutes. I remember being in tears so many of those first few Wednesdays. I actually remember begging God “not them, not me…I want the students who WANT to learn, who WANT to hear, ones that I can build relationships with, ones that WANT to hear about your name; I want THOSE kids.” But God was certain that THOSE kids, the ones that partied, drank, and talked were MY kids…THOSE were the ones that I was to build relationships with, Love, Encourage, and talk to them about Jesus. Do I ever regret those nights that I couldn’t get them to lesson, or how they laughed at my silly prompts or the many times I said to them ‘close your eyes and listen to me’…Do I ever regret the very late night texts or worrisome myspace chats or the sleepless nights of prayer? NOPE. These students are SO dear to my heart. Some I have lost contact with along the way, some have walked out of my life, others have moved, and many have come and gone, some needed me simply for a season of life or perhaps I needed them. Maybe I was the one who needed to learn of the hurt, heartache, and to feel the desperation of a lonely and hurting world. Maybe I was the one who needed those talks the most, to understand WHO God truly was. To understand ALL He is capable of & I’m still learning. I will never forget the first night that my small group shrunk (I could finally go into a classroom vs. a cold gym floor) That night as I talked and talked and talked (as I normally do) I looked up to see a student looking at me with silent tears streaming down her face; it wasn’t until many months later that I found out the reasons why she cried that night, how that crying was a healing for her.

Last summer I went to serve on Support Staff at Camp Pinnacle in the North Georgia Mountains; before I left I wrote many of these students’ letters encouraging them that although I would be leaving for a time that God would strengthen them and sustain them. I was excited about what God was doing in my life! He was moving and doing something incredible in me. After I wrote and sent these letters I got a text from this precious student saying “Who will teach my small group?” THAT broke my heart and it was then I cried. I think I cried knowing that these students were seeing God and seeing Love. I cried because I knew that God had only allowed our paths to cross for a time and I cried because I knew that things would never be the same.

Things haven’t been the same, they have been changing and life has moved on. Yes, I have sadly lost touch with many of these students but they have forever changed my life. My heart and life will NEVER be the same. I’ve seen what divorce, relationships, friendships, rumor, gossip, drugs and alcohol can do to a student. I’ve seen students turn 180 degrees. I’ve seen students come to know Christ and I’ve seen students fall, I’ve seen students hurt, I’ve seen them cry and laugh. I’ve seen a lot but I haven’t seen it all. I’ve talked with students as they were ready to run away from home and it broke my heart. I’ve talked with students as they were going partying that weekend and it broke my heart. I’ve seen students hand me their precious baby girl on a Wednesday night so I could ‘babysit’ and it broke my heart. I’ve seen angry and depression destroy lives and it broke my heart. I’ve had students tell me they were worthless and unloveable and it broke my heart. I’ve seen injustice, bullying, cutting, eating disorders, students who just wanted a hug, who wanted someone to simply care and be rejected and it broke my heart. I don’t think our hearts can ever be the same after we have seen these things but then again should we? Should our hearts be okay after seeing the hurt of these precious students? Should we be okay with knowing that they struggle so much? Should we be okay that a student will go home tonight and never be told how much they are cared about or loved? My heart says no. My heart says to love them, encourage them and care for them. My heart says to LOVE them like Jesus. To pray for them. To simply Love.

John 3:16 “For God so loved the WORLD that He gave His only begotten Son that whoever believes in Him, should not perish but have everlasting life.”

God came for you, and He came for me, and he came for the broken, bruised, neglected and scarred because He loved us THAT much.

My heart is broken for the things of the world but I have HOPE because I know who holds the world in His hands.

John 16:33 "I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world."