Since this is my personal blog & no one really reads it i'm going to write from my heart...
In the fall i began praying about an opportunity to go on a spring break mission trip somewhere, I didn't feel led to go with my BCM or other ministry but instead felt led to let my youth minister send me somewhere. In January only days after a Earthquake devestated Haiti i recieved a phone call from my youth minister asking about serving in Haiti. I felt confirmation then that Haiti was where God wanted me; plans changed, things changed, the group changed. I feel like i have been poorly supported on this mission. I have support from my immediate family and a few friends and honestly the support of my parents is all i need. I have had a strange peace, one that I cannot comprehend. One that scares me at times because its not something that i can understand completely and def. not something i can help others understand. Over the past several weeks i have been hit the hardest with people not supporting my decision. I feel led to go, i feel led to serve, i'm not terrified of the people or the circumstances of the what ifs. Im not terrified of the conditions, the people, the disease, the language, culture or traditions; for all these things are what ifs. What if the conditions are horrible, what if there is disease, what if i don't understnad the culture, language or traditons, what if the people aren't who i thought they would be. These are stupid what if questions...many times these questions keep me from playing the game from being completely willing to go and serve. I can't live in the fear of what ifs if i know God is saying "Go". I've begged God over the past several days to simply send me encouragement send me something to let me know that I'm cared about and supported. Its tough & its difficult. Its hard to hear from people that they are scared for you, or for them to tell you that they think you need to pray about it more, they think you need to search your heart. Poeple ask you if you have seen that epidemics could break out, conditions could get worse, flights may be unsafe, the passport hanging around your neck is worth more than your life. Yet, i wonder why let these things stop me from loving these people, serving these people, encouraging these people and simply showing them that someone cares. I know a big controversial issue is that we spend thousands of dollars on mission trips every year, can't we just send the money to them to help them vs going... I'm torn on this one, in some cases i think yes we should give and let others do the work, but God says 'Go' God says to love, encourage, support and feed the hungry, cloth the naked, visit those in prison. When doing these things we love. Yes, the $1000 dollars that i'm spending going to Haiti i could just have raised and sent but God is calling me to go to the orphans to LOVE them, laugh with them, cry with them, play with them, color with them, sing with them and Thank our Heavenly Father WITH them. Sometimes people need a physical touch, they need to know that others care about them and are willing to go above and beyond to help them...My heart hurts right now, mainly b/c i feel as though no one understands me or my heart. But i continue to press on b/c God has called me to serve and minister and love. He has called me to go into some horrible conditions so i can hold that small boy, laugh with that teenager, kick a ball or sing some song; to simply BE to simply BE someone who came to love. I rejoice in knowing that God is already mixing up so many emotions inside of me. To know that God has a plan for me there in Haiti, no matter the cost. To know that I'm following His will makes me rejoice! For i live for Him and only Him. For He gave His all for me. If anyone reads this, i'm sorry its just a bunch of words on a page that may make no sense but they are words from my heart...
