"Lord, break my heart for what breaks yours."

My Broken Heart…

So I’ve debated on how to compose this or if I should even compose this over the past several weeks. Some things I want to say but know I can’t to protect others and the conversations I’ve had with people.

My heart is broken right now, its broken for those people whom have never felt love, the abandoned, bruised, scarred, the ones whom have turned to lifestyles that God isn’t pleased with, ones that absolutely breaks His heart. I don’t understand why but over the past several years that I have been a ‘student leader’ in my youth group I have somehow attracted the ‘bad crowd’ the students that talk during worship, the ones that dress ‘different’, the ones that party, etc. I remember very clearly the first interaction I had with these kids, it was a Wednesday night and we had decided to do small groups after the service; everyone was being made to go to small groups and therefore most went. I was ‘stuck’ with about 40 students who didn’t have a care in the world as to what I was saying, I couldn’t get through the lesson without threatening several guys that I was going to embarrass them and make them hold my hand if they couldn’t listen for 2 minutes. I remember being in tears so many of those first few Wednesdays. I actually remember begging God “not them, not me…I want the students who WANT to learn, who WANT to hear, ones that I can build relationships with, ones that WANT to hear about your name; I want THOSE kids.” But God was certain that THOSE kids, the ones that partied, drank, and talked were MY kids…THOSE were the ones that I was to build relationships with, Love, Encourage, and talk to them about Jesus. Do I ever regret those nights that I couldn’t get them to lesson, or how they laughed at my silly prompts or the many times I said to them ‘close your eyes and listen to me’…Do I ever regret the very late night texts or worrisome myspace chats or the sleepless nights of prayer? NOPE. These students are SO dear to my heart. Some I have lost contact with along the way, some have walked out of my life, others have moved, and many have come and gone, some needed me simply for a season of life or perhaps I needed them. Maybe I was the one who needed to learn of the hurt, heartache, and to feel the desperation of a lonely and hurting world. Maybe I was the one who needed those talks the most, to understand WHO God truly was. To understand ALL He is capable of & I’m still learning. I will never forget the first night that my small group shrunk (I could finally go into a classroom vs. a cold gym floor) That night as I talked and talked and talked (as I normally do) I looked up to see a student looking at me with silent tears streaming down her face; it wasn’t until many months later that I found out the reasons why she cried that night, how that crying was a healing for her.

Last summer I went to serve on Support Staff at Camp Pinnacle in the North Georgia Mountains; before I left I wrote many of these students’ letters encouraging them that although I would be leaving for a time that God would strengthen them and sustain them. I was excited about what God was doing in my life! He was moving and doing something incredible in me. After I wrote and sent these letters I got a text from this precious student saying “Who will teach my small group?” THAT broke my heart and it was then I cried. I think I cried knowing that these students were seeing God and seeing Love. I cried because I knew that God had only allowed our paths to cross for a time and I cried because I knew that things would never be the same.

Things haven’t been the same, they have been changing and life has moved on. Yes, I have sadly lost touch with many of these students but they have forever changed my life. My heart and life will NEVER be the same. I’ve seen what divorce, relationships, friendships, rumor, gossip, drugs and alcohol can do to a student. I’ve seen students turn 180 degrees. I’ve seen students come to know Christ and I’ve seen students fall, I’ve seen students hurt, I’ve seen them cry and laugh. I’ve seen a lot but I haven’t seen it all. I’ve talked with students as they were ready to run away from home and it broke my heart. I’ve talked with students as they were going partying that weekend and it broke my heart. I’ve seen students hand me their precious baby girl on a Wednesday night so I could ‘babysit’ and it broke my heart. I’ve seen angry and depression destroy lives and it broke my heart. I’ve had students tell me they were worthless and unloveable and it broke my heart. I’ve seen injustice, bullying, cutting, eating disorders, students who just wanted a hug, who wanted someone to simply care and be rejected and it broke my heart. I don’t think our hearts can ever be the same after we have seen these things but then again should we? Should our hearts be okay after seeing the hurt of these precious students? Should we be okay with knowing that they struggle so much? Should we be okay that a student will go home tonight and never be told how much they are cared about or loved? My heart says no. My heart says to love them, encourage them and care for them. My heart says to LOVE them like Jesus. To pray for them. To simply Love.

John 3:16 “For God so loved the WORLD that He gave His only begotten Son that whoever believes in Him, should not perish but have everlasting life.”

God came for you, and He came for me, and he came for the broken, bruised, neglected and scarred because He loved us THAT much.

My heart is broken for the things of the world but I have HOPE because I know who holds the world in His hands.

John 16:33 "I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world."

“Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord.”
Psalm 27:14

6 weeks until I’ve completed my first year of college. Where has the time gone? Recently I’ve been thinking about my future. What will I be when I grow up? What are my true passions and how can I use these for God’s kingdom? When will I meet my husband? These are all questions that flood my mind. So many times it is very difficult to completely comprehend God’s plans for our lives. Jeremiah 29:11 which says, “For I know the plans I have for YOU, declares the Lord, plans to prosper YOU and not to harm YOU plans to give you a Hope and a Future.” This is a favorite scripture of mine. Why? Because it reminds me that God always has my best interest at heart even when it seems like my world is falling apart. These questions at times take over my desire to follow God and rely on Him, waiting for Him to lead me to my husband, to my career and in my future. Many times I simply forget that I no longer have control over my own life. For I am a slave to Christ. Galatians 2:20 says, “I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me.” I am not bound by sin any longer for Christ lives in me and I belong to Him. How difficult this is to remember at my age. John Waller sings a song called ‘While I’m Waiting’ the chorus says… “I will serve You while I'm waiting ,I will worship while I'm waiting.” With this summer quickly approaching and much going on in my heart and my life I can’t help but wonder how many times I feel inadequate to serve God and worship him; How many times I feel like running my own life versus waiting on my Savior and Lord to guide me in the ways HE wants me to go. There is much in this life that I do not understand, much that I think I’ve figured out when in reality I’m completely wrong. But one thing is truth and that is my Savior is asks me to wait on Him. To wait on His plans. To wait on His calling and to simply serve and worship Him while I wait. So tonight I’m content. I’m content in the past, present and the future knowing that God is my guide.

So tonight:

I will Serve Him while I’m waiting

I will worship Him while I'm waiting

Thankful for the Good Shepard today.

Matthew 18: 12-14 "What do you think? If a man owns a hundred sheep, and one of them wanders away, will he not leave the ninety-nine on the hills and go to look for the one sheep that has wandered off? And if he finds it, I tell you the truth, he is happier about that one sheep than about the ninety-nine that did not wander off. In the same way your Father in Heaven is not willing that any of these little ones should be lost."

Thankful for the Good Shepard today that never lets me wander too far!

The Struggle of Life...

Have you ever felt as though the struggle of life is just too much to bear? That there is simply too much heartache and pain, that Love doesn’t truly exist, why is there famine, hunger, orphans and widows, why do people feel as though they can’t go on? Useless? Worthless? Dirty?
Over the past several weeks I’ve been able to see the heartache and pain in others lives and share with others my own. How difficult it is to hear someone say they are useless, worthless, not lovable, nor do they feel loved or worthy, how hard it is to see our Brothers and Sisters in Christ hurting, broken and not sure they can go on…How difficult it is to see the hurt in the world to see children, youth, young people and adults try to fill their ‘void’ with relationships, friendships, drugs, alcohol, sex, parties, eating disorders, self-mutilation, lying, sneaking out, etc all because we thought we didn’t deserve anything better? How much do we really love these people who are hurting? How many of us have tried to fill that void with these things only to end up back at square one?
I absolutely love people, I love encouraging, praying, supporting and loving on people. I feel as no one should ever be called a ‘lost cause’ no one should ever be told that they simply ‘aren’t worth it’ I feel as though we, the Body of Christ, can make a difference by building relationships with people; truly getting to know them, love them, respect them and build trust with them. Many times this means we must pull down the mountains around our own lives and hearts and be real, and raw with those we are loving on and caring about. I’ve been reading through the gospel of Matthew during my quiet time and time after time I leave SHOCKED about how BIG and grand God’s love is for me…and how human, yet perfect, he truly was, for He wept before His Father before he was crucified and His heart truly broke for us, yet He did not sin and took my sins and the sins of the ENTIRE world just so I could have a relationship with Him. Even today, I truly believe that God’s heart breaks with us as our hearts break. Night after night, I’ve wondered how much more God is asking of me, I’ve wondered how much of my life isn’t being lived for Him; I know I bug LOTS of people or that’s what it seems; I’m often told “Stephanie, I know you care” “Yes, you’ve told me.” “Okay, I love you too.” “Um yea. I’m fine really.” Sometimes I feel as if I care too much, sometimes I want to just say ‘God, I’m done…I’m done with the heartache, I’m done with the pain, I’m done with investing in others lives and it seeming to me like no one cares’ God is always gentle after these talks, He always seems to whisper that if I’m doing these things for me to be recognized then I’m doing it for the wrong reasons…If I’m too worried about what others think of me and how they respond then I’m not doing them for the right reasons. God always puts me back into a reality check that EVERYTHING I do, I should do for HIM. That my desire should be that everything I do and say should be to bring Him honor, praise and glory. Matthew 5:16 says, “In the same way, let your light shine before men, that they may see your good deeds and praise your Father in Heaven.” This should be my purpose not that they see me, but that when they see my caring about them, loving them and supporting them that they praise my Father in Heaven.
Heartache and pain is apart of life. Christians aren’t immune to it. No one is. It is something we deal with, struggle with, and somehow find our way through. But I believe that we CAN make a difference. The other night on fb I posted a status saying “I need some encouragement” I love dearly each person who posted on that status and love their support yet I wonder how many times I ignore the Holy Spirits prompting to tell others that I’m praying for them or that I simply care. I wonder how many times someone has to say to me ‘Stephanie, I need some encouragement. I need a friend.’ Sometimes I walk so blindly around my Brothers and Sisters in Christ yet I should daily be encouraging them. I should daily be walking with them through the good and the bad. Through the heartache, pain and victories. It’s a daily journey of walking with our Savior and a daily choice to choose to walk with Christ as Lord of my life. Is the heartache and pain apart of this journey? Yes, because we are human. We have emotions and they can run deep; But I KNOW that I’m here for a purpose. As a fellow journeyman as a Sister in Christ. I’m here to praying WITH my Family in Christ, Laugh with them, love on them and journey through life with them.
I’m so thankful that as I struggle and journey through life that I’m never alone. I’m thankful that I have wonderful Brothers and Sisters in Christ lifting me up, Praying for me and encouraging me to keep my eyes on Christ.
What is the struggle of life? Pain and heartache but the struggle has been overcome by the cross, because of the cross one day we will live with no heartache or pain. Tonight I’m thankful for the Cross.

My Spring/ Summer

Have you ever heard someone say "When Christ is working thats when Satan attacks the hardest..." ???? This has been my ongoing struggle for hte past several months. Its rather frustrating and there has been lots of hurt, frustration, joy & pain along the way but I know end the end of it all Christ will recieve all Honor, Glory & Praise...I'm so thankful for that!

Born out of one girls desire to learn more about her Savior and King and the princess she was and to share that with other hurting girls, the Becoming the Crown Jewel conference was begun. For the past 3 years i have attended the conference and learned whats its like to be a Royal child of the King, what it is like to live a life of Purity and to live a life of Loyalty serving my Heavenly Daddy. This coming year I will be working the conference for the first time as a counselor! I honestly couldn't be more excited to be able to invest in these girls like counselors in years past have invested in me!!!

The second BIG thing that God is doing is in May i'm going on my first international mission trip. I will be spening 6 days in Haiti, working with a group called Hope for the Hungry. May 19-25 I will be in Haiti with 6 others from my church. We will be working in a boys orphanage in Guibert, Haiti in the community of Kenscoff located approx. 10 miles outside of Port-au-Prince. This trip has been such a HUGE answer to prayer and has taught me once again that Gods plans are always perfect. This trip was supposed to take place during my spring break but Gods timing is always perfect, so i will be going in late May instead.

2 days after arriving back from Haiti I will be going to work at Camp Pinnacle in the North Georgia Mountains. This camp taught me so much as a camper so many years ago and i'm excited to be apart of the ongoing ministries of Camp Pinnacle again this summer. We are praying for 1000 campers in 2010, please join me in praying!

Update...

Haven't been on here in a while but wanted to start updating the blog for the summer again. School is plugging along and church is going as well as always! I recieved the opportunity in late January to go to Haiti during my spring break, but with Haiti still being unstable we have been post poned until May, i go with a team to Haiti from May 19-26. I will be there with 2 other females and 3 males. I recently found out that while there we will be working 100% with orphans, oh how precious these children are to God & I can not wait to play with them, love them and share GOd's love with them. How precious children are in God's sight! :)
Upon returning from Haiti I will about 24 hours at home before heading to Clayton, GA for the summer. I will be returning to Camp Pinnacle this summer & am so excited about spending another summer ministering and loving on girls! I will update soon with specific ways you can be in prayer...