"When all you have is God, He is enough"

"When all you have is God, He is enough" A friend shared this quote with me today. As I began thinking of this I began thinking of how true this is in my life. I think of how He knows all about me, my struggles, weaknesses, & strong points yet loves me all the same. I struggle with thinking about how much I fail Him. I struggle with feeling like I should be doing more in this world and then I read in Romans 3:1-8 and God reveals this to me (taken from a journal entry) "We are all at fault, we all sin and we are all guilty, we are without hope, according to the worlds standards but not when we have Christ, when we choose to accept His free gift of salvation, it is then that I have true hope in this world, a hope and a peace only He can give." Romans 8 vs. 3-4a says "What if some were unfaithful? Does their faithlessness nullify the faithfulness of God? by NO means!" I'm so glad that God's faithfulness isn't based on my faithfulness to Him because honestly I'm not faithful as I should be.

The book of Job will really put perspective on things. Job was a guy who had everything that we could imagine, a family, cattle, land, etc. until one day He lost it all. Everyone wanted Him to give up & curse God, but He never did - He endured til the end knowing that even though all the things of the world were taken from Him, He still had His Savior and God was enough. I desire to have the faith of Job, to know that even when all else seems gone or lost that God is there & He is enough!

Many times...

I miss these faces...

These faces are the faces of children who have impacted my life forever. These are the faces of the children who played games with me in the hot sun, taught me that a smile, hug or thumbs up is a universal language for LOVE. These are the children who smiled at this 'blanco' girl in church, held my hand and slept on my chest. These are the faces of the children who gave me a small glimpse of what Heaven will be like one day as we stood in the Haitian night singing songs to our Savior, them in Haitian-Creole, us in English. What a beautiful glimpse of His majesty!

WHY?!

Have you ever felt like this? Lost? Lonely? Wandering through life? or maybe wondering where GOD is? Do you feel controlled by your circumstances or just don't know where to go from here?Do you ever feel like this guy?

Psalm 13 says, "How Long O, Lord? Will you forget me forever? How long will you hide your face from me? How long must I wrestle with my thoughts and every day have sorrow in my heart? How long will my enemy triumph over me? Look on me and answer, O Lord my God. Give light to my eyes, or I will sleep in death; my enemy will say, "I have overcome him, and my foes will rejoice when i fall. But I trust in your unfailing love; my heart rejoices in your salvation. I will sing to the Lord, for he has been good to me."

Trusting in His faithfulness & Love tonight!

Ramblings..

Since this is my personal blog & no one really reads it i'm going to write from my heart...

In the fall i began praying about an opportunity to go on a spring break mission trip somewhere, I didn't feel led to go with my BCM or other ministry but instead felt led to let my youth minister send me somewhere. In January only days after a Earthquake devestated Haiti i recieved a phone call from my youth minister asking about serving in Haiti. I felt confirmation then that Haiti was where God wanted me; plans changed, things changed, the group changed. I feel like i have been poorly supported on this mission. I have support from my immediate family and a few friends and honestly the support of my parents is all i need. I have had a strange peace, one that I cannot comprehend. One that scares me at times because its not something that i can understand completely and def. not something i can help others understand. Over the past several weeks i have been hit the hardest with people not supporting my decision. I feel led to go, i feel led to serve, i'm not terrified of the people or the circumstances of the what ifs. Im not terrified of the conditions, the people, the disease, the language, culture or traditions; for all these things are what ifs. What if the conditions are horrible, what if there is disease, what if i don't understnad the culture, language or traditons, what if the people aren't who i thought they would be. These are stupid what if questions...many times these questions keep me from playing the game from being completely willing to go and serve. I can't live in the fear of what ifs if i know God is saying "Go". I've begged God over the past several days to simply send me encouragement send me something to let me know that I'm cared about and supported. Its tough & its difficult. Its hard to hear from people that they are scared for you, or for them to tell you that they think you need to pray about it more, they think you need to search your heart. Poeple ask you if you have seen that epidemics could break out, conditions could get worse, flights may be unsafe, the passport hanging around your neck is worth more than your life. Yet, i wonder why let these things stop me from loving these people, serving these people, encouraging these people and simply showing them that someone cares. I know a big controversial issue is that we spend thousands of dollars on mission trips every year, can't we just send the money to them to help them vs going... I'm torn on this one, in some cases i think yes we should give and let others do the work, but God says 'Go' God says to love, encourage, support and feed the hungry, cloth the naked, visit those in prison. When doing these things we love. Yes, the $1000 dollars that i'm spending going to Haiti i could just have raised and sent but God is calling me to go to the orphans to LOVE them, laugh with them, cry with them, play with them, color with them, sing with them and Thank our Heavenly Father WITH them. Sometimes people need a physical touch, they need to know that others care about them and are willing to go above and beyond to help them...My heart hurts right now, mainly b/c i feel as though no one understands me or my heart. But i continue to press on b/c God has called me to serve and minister and love. He has called me to go into some horrible conditions so i can hold that small boy, laugh with that teenager, kick a ball or sing some song; to simply BE to simply BE someone who came to love. I rejoice in knowing that God is already mixing up so many emotions inside of me. To know that God has a plan for me there in Haiti, no matter the cost. To know that I'm following His will makes me rejoice! For i live for Him and only Him. For He gave His all for me. If anyone reads this, i'm sorry its just a bunch of words on a page that may make no sense but they are words from my heart...

"Lord, break my heart for what breaks yours."

My Broken Heart…

So I’ve debated on how to compose this or if I should even compose this over the past several weeks. Some things I want to say but know I can’t to protect others and the conversations I’ve had with people.

My heart is broken right now, its broken for those people whom have never felt love, the abandoned, bruised, scarred, the ones whom have turned to lifestyles that God isn’t pleased with, ones that absolutely breaks His heart. I don’t understand why but over the past several years that I have been a ‘student leader’ in my youth group I have somehow attracted the ‘bad crowd’ the students that talk during worship, the ones that dress ‘different’, the ones that party, etc. I remember very clearly the first interaction I had with these kids, it was a Wednesday night and we had decided to do small groups after the service; everyone was being made to go to small groups and therefore most went. I was ‘stuck’ with about 40 students who didn’t have a care in the world as to what I was saying, I couldn’t get through the lesson without threatening several guys that I was going to embarrass them and make them hold my hand if they couldn’t listen for 2 minutes. I remember being in tears so many of those first few Wednesdays. I actually remember begging God “not them, not me…I want the students who WANT to learn, who WANT to hear, ones that I can build relationships with, ones that WANT to hear about your name; I want THOSE kids.” But God was certain that THOSE kids, the ones that partied, drank, and talked were MY kids…THOSE were the ones that I was to build relationships with, Love, Encourage, and talk to them about Jesus. Do I ever regret those nights that I couldn’t get them to lesson, or how they laughed at my silly prompts or the many times I said to them ‘close your eyes and listen to me’…Do I ever regret the very late night texts or worrisome myspace chats or the sleepless nights of prayer? NOPE. These students are SO dear to my heart. Some I have lost contact with along the way, some have walked out of my life, others have moved, and many have come and gone, some needed me simply for a season of life or perhaps I needed them. Maybe I was the one who needed to learn of the hurt, heartache, and to feel the desperation of a lonely and hurting world. Maybe I was the one who needed those talks the most, to understand WHO God truly was. To understand ALL He is capable of & I’m still learning. I will never forget the first night that my small group shrunk (I could finally go into a classroom vs. a cold gym floor) That night as I talked and talked and talked (as I normally do) I looked up to see a student looking at me with silent tears streaming down her face; it wasn’t until many months later that I found out the reasons why she cried that night, how that crying was a healing for her.

Last summer I went to serve on Support Staff at Camp Pinnacle in the North Georgia Mountains; before I left I wrote many of these students’ letters encouraging them that although I would be leaving for a time that God would strengthen them and sustain them. I was excited about what God was doing in my life! He was moving and doing something incredible in me. After I wrote and sent these letters I got a text from this precious student saying “Who will teach my small group?” THAT broke my heart and it was then I cried. I think I cried knowing that these students were seeing God and seeing Love. I cried because I knew that God had only allowed our paths to cross for a time and I cried because I knew that things would never be the same.

Things haven’t been the same, they have been changing and life has moved on. Yes, I have sadly lost touch with many of these students but they have forever changed my life. My heart and life will NEVER be the same. I’ve seen what divorce, relationships, friendships, rumor, gossip, drugs and alcohol can do to a student. I’ve seen students turn 180 degrees. I’ve seen students come to know Christ and I’ve seen students fall, I’ve seen students hurt, I’ve seen them cry and laugh. I’ve seen a lot but I haven’t seen it all. I’ve talked with students as they were ready to run away from home and it broke my heart. I’ve talked with students as they were going partying that weekend and it broke my heart. I’ve seen students hand me their precious baby girl on a Wednesday night so I could ‘babysit’ and it broke my heart. I’ve seen angry and depression destroy lives and it broke my heart. I’ve had students tell me they were worthless and unloveable and it broke my heart. I’ve seen injustice, bullying, cutting, eating disorders, students who just wanted a hug, who wanted someone to simply care and be rejected and it broke my heart. I don’t think our hearts can ever be the same after we have seen these things but then again should we? Should our hearts be okay after seeing the hurt of these precious students? Should we be okay with knowing that they struggle so much? Should we be okay that a student will go home tonight and never be told how much they are cared about or loved? My heart says no. My heart says to love them, encourage them and care for them. My heart says to LOVE them like Jesus. To pray for them. To simply Love.

John 3:16 “For God so loved the WORLD that He gave His only begotten Son that whoever believes in Him, should not perish but have everlasting life.”

God came for you, and He came for me, and he came for the broken, bruised, neglected and scarred because He loved us THAT much.

My heart is broken for the things of the world but I have HOPE because I know who holds the world in His hands.

John 16:33 "I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world."

“Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord.”
Psalm 27:14

6 weeks until I’ve completed my first year of college. Where has the time gone? Recently I’ve been thinking about my future. What will I be when I grow up? What are my true passions and how can I use these for God’s kingdom? When will I meet my husband? These are all questions that flood my mind. So many times it is very difficult to completely comprehend God’s plans for our lives. Jeremiah 29:11 which says, “For I know the plans I have for YOU, declares the Lord, plans to prosper YOU and not to harm YOU plans to give you a Hope and a Future.” This is a favorite scripture of mine. Why? Because it reminds me that God always has my best interest at heart even when it seems like my world is falling apart. These questions at times take over my desire to follow God and rely on Him, waiting for Him to lead me to my husband, to my career and in my future. Many times I simply forget that I no longer have control over my own life. For I am a slave to Christ. Galatians 2:20 says, “I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me.” I am not bound by sin any longer for Christ lives in me and I belong to Him. How difficult this is to remember at my age. John Waller sings a song called ‘While I’m Waiting’ the chorus says… “I will serve You while I'm waiting ,I will worship while I'm waiting.” With this summer quickly approaching and much going on in my heart and my life I can’t help but wonder how many times I feel inadequate to serve God and worship him; How many times I feel like running my own life versus waiting on my Savior and Lord to guide me in the ways HE wants me to go. There is much in this life that I do not understand, much that I think I’ve figured out when in reality I’m completely wrong. But one thing is truth and that is my Savior is asks me to wait on Him. To wait on His plans. To wait on His calling and to simply serve and worship Him while I wait. So tonight I’m content. I’m content in the past, present and the future knowing that God is my guide.

So tonight:

I will Serve Him while I’m waiting

I will worship Him while I'm waiting

Thankful for the Good Shepard today.

Matthew 18: 12-14 "What do you think? If a man owns a hundred sheep, and one of them wanders away, will he not leave the ninety-nine on the hills and go to look for the one sheep that has wandered off? And if he finds it, I tell you the truth, he is happier about that one sheep than about the ninety-nine that did not wander off. In the same way your Father in Heaven is not willing that any of these little ones should be lost."

Thankful for the Good Shepard today that never lets me wander too far!